square one.

When struggle waits for souls to be silent and for lights to die out;
When smoke wins over sanity and thoughts pierce through bliss;
When salty water overflows from two soulful windows...

You ought to know she's troubled again;
And it can't be good.

It never was; And it never will be.

THE NOT-SO EMPTY LOT.

I pass by the empty lot and look back to what had been once there.
On months of festivity, in this town I call home;
they plant their feet and bring joy every year, for four long months.

I pass by the empty lot and relish the laughter.
Relive the adrenaline rush; feel the natural high.
Every year, I wait for their glorious return.

I pass by the empty lot and smile.
For this yet again, adds to my already existing long list of childish bliss.
At 18, I am redeemed by cotton candies, cheap popcorn, helium balloons and majestic structures.

I pass by the empty lot and my eyes would grow wide;
They are back from their hibernating silence.
Back from another town where they have brought forth joy, which I knew very well.

I get there with my comrade and giggle our way in.
Being the adult kids that we were, and would always be.
Entering the realm of cheap and ordinary heavenly bliss.

For the night, the world becomes surreal.
You embrace death and life; joy and fear;
On those structures, we are minute mortals with our lives on the hands of topless men.

And even as we leave with empty pockets,
We always feel good because we have renewed souls.
I have satisfied the kid in me; I have satisfied my heart.

In two months or so, I would pass by that place and it'd be empty again.
But nonetheless, it's all good. For there are more souls out there who, like myself, await for their return.
For the solace that they bring, for the happiness that they plague us with.

Thankful. I am.
Happy. I am.
CARNIVAL. Welcome back.

^_____________________^

USELESS RANT.

Hello;
Would you like to acknowledge my presence?
To remind yourself that I do exist; To feel that I am not as apathetic as I wish I was.

When the cloak of darkness covers us, I am a helpless soul.
Owning tickets to a show I don't even want to watch.
And as if that's not crushing enough, guess what?
I HAVE VIP PASSES COMPLETE WITH FRONT ROW SEATS and the next day, I get to meet the stars and Id smile. For I am alright. For I should be alright.

Tell me when does one master apathy?
How old should we be until we could watch the story of our own tragedy unfold before us and not feel a thing? No, it's not self defense. I say it's self preservation and a dire need for salvation.

Yes, I don't want to feel.
And I want to be able to say I don't care. Say it and MEAN IT.

If I'd be 5years old again, and a grown-up asks me what I want to be when I grow up,
now I know that the safest answer would be:

When I grow up, I want to be numb. Because I want to live.
And I don't want to hurt.

But then again that's just me. And most of the things I aspire for are mostly bull. HAHA. :)
G'Evening, Mortal. :)

Typical Sunday Night.

Tomorrow's monday and like every other Sunday night, Im hoping against the impossible for another weekend. It's like I never get enough rest; there's never enough time to do the things I wanna do: SLEEP, watch tv, SLEEEEEEEEEP, eat, stare into space, think about studying, forget about studying, sleep, and many more. :) hahaha.

But like every other Sunday night, I sleep knowing that another Saturday is on it's way and once again, I'mma have pitifully short leisure hours to spend on procrastination.

Im wishing weeks had an additional eighth day.
and from my Philo class (which by the way really sucks coz I didn't get the grade I deserve.) I learned that this is wishful thinking.

wth, I should sleep now.
I am a student, I have NCM to face tomorrow.
and with Ma'am Paber being that face, you ought to know it's a battle and I need my gears.

so Goodnight.
God, let the hours last long enough.

Updates.

There's really nothing new. Apart from the sad fact that I rarely get enough sleep these days, I have to say my life has been pretty good. Yes, I am constantly tired but at least I didn't have any episode of my usual me VS self dilemma.

grades are already out and im doing better than I was before. IDK but I feel like Im being productive now. LOL. and that's good, right?

ANYWAAAAAY, last Tuesday night, I stayed up late working on school requirements and so I basically felt like a blood-drained zombie by Wednesday morning. On the way to school I felt like I was half asleep. I didn't know how I would survive that day AWAKE. haha.

I guess God loves me. my friend and I passed by our locker before heading to class and as I opened it, voila! a surprise-- for me. it seriously made my day. it was like a boost of strength from nowhere exactly when I needed it the most. that was really cute and apparently, very much appreciated.

it's times like that when I get to really tell myself, "He really does love me." the feeling is unlike anything in this world.

we didn't get to talk yet though. Im waiting for the 21st when time for fasting is over. then we could own the world again. LOL.

the letter really made me happy, as all his past letters always did. and to be greeted "happy 522nd day."?! wt? he remembered? LOL.
Thank You. nakakatuwa e. hahahaha.

as what you have said, "SOON".
indeed, my dear. till then, I Love You. :)

Always and Forever.

BETTER!

im supposed to be studying now. i have 3 quizzes lined up for tomorrow. but here i am. blogging. i just wanted to say that I AM OKAY NOW. i guess. well for sure i am better than the last time. but God, i am tired. so effin' tired from school and from all the things i have to get done.

but i can do this.
my spirits are up again, thank God. hahaha.
i can handle this. i have to.

i am tough. (repeat to self as many times as possible.)
^_^

:(

finally. i remembered my password again. i desperately need to blog. like the good old days, i need this to escape. to let out what i feel. to make sense of my irrationality. to make amends with my demons. these past few days, i feel so dead. it feels so hard to talk or laugh or listen or make sense or be normal. it feels so hard to function.

i went to school this morning for our practices. afterwards, i went out with two of my closest friends. we were all bummed and so we decided to forget about all the work we have to do and just let go. for the entire afternoon, we stopped thinking of all our responsibilities. WE DIDN'T CARE. i didn't care. we talked about life, our pasts, and our frustrations. then it dawned on me-- how messed up i am again. this is getting old. for real.

i smoked 12 sticks of cigarettes today, on lunchtime alone. don't ask me how much i smoked for the entire day. yesterday, i was damaging myself with vodka and beer. my last REAL complete meal was yesterday's lunch. i skipped breakfast and dinner today. i gave half my food away this lunch. i constantly want to puke. ugh. the thought of food alone makes me want to puke. sometimes i have to sleep just to stop the urge to vomit. i am losing weight, i think i am killing myself. and the worst part is, sometimes, i honestly hope i do. @@

i constantly wish i could be left alone. because i don't want to be asked questions. i don't want to be surrounded with people who don't understand.

there is nothing wrong with my life. i have a beautiful and loving family, i have the best set of friends, i have a stable and happy relationship and my grades are doing good.

but i feel so dead. i feel so unhappy and alone. i want to cry, but i can't. i want to break down but that's not gonna happen either. i have to balance my "perfect life". i have to maintain the person that people think i am. along with these issues, i have to study. because i have to do good. i have to be tough. God. I have to be tough. always.

it used to hurt me before, how i feel like no one understands me. but im fine with that now.
i will be okay. i am never vulnerable. i am never in need. i don't need anyone, but God. i handle my problems. i handle my issues.

I AM MY OWN HERO.

Breaking News.

I miss you so much. I wish you'd come home. Had I known you'd be gone this long, I would have hugged you a little tighter. Talked to you a little longer. I would have held your hand like there's no tomorrow.

I miss you. And that's all that I am now. It's hard longing for someone who's so far away.
A room full of people is shamefully insignificant without you. It's you that I constantly long to see. You that I want talking to me. You that I want by my side.

I miss you so much it hurts. I can cry all I want but that's not gonna bring you home-- no matter how hard I wish it could. I try not to think about it, and most of the time I succeed. But whenever I fail, I cry and pray hard. Pray for God to bring you home.

Because I want you here. Where I can hold you and be with you for real. I don't mind sharing you with your friends or other girls whenever you're here. I just wanna know you're near. I want to be able to feel you.

Have I told you that your hugs are unlike anything in this world? When you wrap me around your arms I feel like I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be. It feels so good and comforting. God. I miss you so much.

But I honestly mean it when I say it's okay and I understand that you can't come home yet. Really. It's all good.

I just really miss you already. And it's breaking my heart.
But I love you, and I am holding on. No matter how long it takes.
It's you I want. You that I love. Always. and Forever.

YES!

Mom's coming home tomorrow. yey! ^-^ i missed her so much. okay, that was just 5 days but what the hell.
So, cooking can be fun afterall. I learned. YES. i learned to cook. major accomplishment.

Uhh. I want to watch more TV.
so im out now.

CIAO. :)

Day 1

So. I woke up at 3 in the morning. talked with my mom and waited till it was time for her to leave. Im such a wuss. Im 18 and I still get sad when my mom leaves. and for what? like 5 days? LOL. whatever. i miss her already. When my mom leaves, everything leaves with her. you know.. the noise (haha), the constant nagging and not to mention, the goooood food. :) i have to cook for the next four days, God bless me.

after my mom left, I stayed up till like around 6am watching TV. i just woke up. for the nth time, im watching"Last Kiss". idk exactly why I like this movie. it's about love and infidelity and things that are complicated, but i like it.

anyway, I have to look for something good to do.. to pass the time.

for now, i think i'mma go cook my lunch.

bye. :)

DON'T ASK ME ABOUT THIS.

Sometimes, I don't know what I am to you. Where I stand or what Im supposed to be. Sometimes it gets hard. But there's nothing that's too hard to handle. Anything for you.

Sometimes it's frustrating to know we're in the same place but I couldn't go anywhere near you. I couldn't even smile. It's like you're looking but you don't see me. I see you with people and it's fascinating. How it's so easy for them to be with you.. to talk to you.. to laugh with you. How it's so simple for them to see you and sit beside you. It makes me smile inside, wishing I was them.

Sometimes I run out of ways to see you. How. Where. Where can we be together? Where is it safe to see you? It's all to be mastered, but Im used to it. And when were together, Im in awe. "You're with me, finally." (I say to myself.) Then you start talking about stuff. Sometimes I lose track of what you're saying. I wait till you tell me you love me.
And when you do, I think to myself: "So, he loves me."

Sometimes you flirt too much and it hurts.

Sometimes I wonder if I make you happy enough. I feel the need to go the extra mile to please you. Because I want to be good enough. Good enough, that you won't need other women. Good enough to be told Im the only one you love. Good enough. Just good enough.

But really, what am I to you?
'Cause quite frankly, you mean the world to me.. and more.

Hello Sunshine!

"Study Hard. Mejo mahirap yung exam. Good Luck."

Uhh, that's a text message from our dear Pharma teacher. So, was that meant to make us feel good? Or was that a threat? lol.

See, I slept late last night. No. Make that, I slept early this morning. I studied for like 2-3 hours at the most around 8-9PM last night. Then I ditched my handouts for the remote control and watched TV all night long. When I got up this morning, I read a few pages and watched TV again. Great movie. Uhh, old movie. "Perfect Stranger", Halle Berry and Bruce Willis. I've seen it air a couple of times before but I started it from the beginning for the first time today. It was really good. :) You know I love murder stories.

Exams this afternoon. Uhh, 2PM. Jam called me up. She'd be off to school with Raquel by 10AM. That's like 1hour ago and I'm still here with a cup of coffee in front of the computer screen. Not to mention I look terrible, I did not even comb my hair yet. I managed to eat breakfast while watching the movie, though. And I think that'd be my lunch too. GOD, Im so lazy these days. I really should be taking a bath now. Or maybe reading. Im still not done studying. I read through the pages but there's just too many freakin drugs I haven't even heard of before. I doubt they even exist. lol.

Ahh. Kelly Clarkson's on TV. There. Im singing: "Myyy Life (My life!), would suuccckkk (would suck!) without Youu." I love that song. :)

Im happy today. Wow. Let's see. Why am I happy? Oh. Maybe because I woke up and Im all alone. It brings back the good old days. The house is mine.

Blaaaa Blaaa Blaaa. I'mma take a bath now. I'll study. I have to fvckin study. What the hell is wrong with me? What was I thinking staying up late on Finals week? I don't do that. >:D (haha, but i do nowwww)

Olrayt, Ciao.

PS: Yes, Im still singing. and poof, there. I spilled my coffee. Im out of here. Later, suckers. ^_^

Good Morning!

Salvation, within Reach.

I want to get away. Get some fresh air. Zamboanga is getting tooooooooo familiar. But Lola dear's passport ain't going to be ready for at least another 2 months so-- goodbye summer vacation. Bummer. I miss her. I thought I'mma see her this April. I guess not.

The girls planned a summer trip to Bohol but, I don't know about that. If not, I'm pretty sure we're going to get ourselves into something worth spending time on. I just don't know what yet.
So for now, I guess Im stuck in the city for the entire summer. And mom's leaving on the 30th, i think? It's not going to be good. I really should start planning daily menus as early as possible. eff.
Let's get into what's current, shall we? I am okay. :) For most parts, I am. The parts where I'm not is not really important anymore. Or at least that's what I'd like to believe. For the nth time, Im trying to put sense into my head. It's so much easier to laugh things off, right? So why complicate?
After finals, Im letting loose. I've done several plans with several people. Like Maan. Of course Maan is first. God, I miss her. We have quite a bit of catching up to do. Patsy's coming home on the 6th, i guess? That's what I remember her saying. Japoy... uhhh. idk. I miss Japoy. But more than Japoy, I miss Chad. Where the fvck is that guy. We get emails from him but we never really know where he is. I miss him, for real.
Anywaaaaay, tomorrow everything's over. Well, not everything but see, I really dont' worry about Physics so once Pharma is over then the rest is going to be smooooooth sailing. I really can't wait. Im tired and I neeeeed salvation. haha.

Note to self: You'll be fvckin fine.

Nothing Good To Say

Four words: I DID NOT STUDY.

Or maybe I did. But in my world, that's not even close to what studying is. Yes, I read the entire coverage. Page to page. But I can't recall a single thing. And here I am, blogging.

I don't know. I guess I'm tired of trying--- trying to do good in school. Im tired of studying about things I have no interest for. Nothing excites me. If anything, I am already exempted from the exams of the subject/s Im interested in. Tomorrow's the first day of our finals. I hate it. I want it over.

And Im tired listening all day to my parents talk and scold my brother for not studying. Really, they should just leave the kid. Come on, he's a fvckin' genius! He doesn't even fail. I bust my ass off reading books and get baaad grades for my major. My brother watches TV, plays DOTA and never fails. How do you fvckin explain that?

Im tired. And Im sick. This colds is driving me insane. I can't even read an entire paragraph off the book without having to blow my nose once at least every 5 minutes. I slept the entire day. I feel so unproductive and I hate it.

So yes, this is RANTING at it's finest. I may not even be making sense. There's so much emotions I have to let out. Im angry, Im sad, Im tired, Im frustrated, I want to get lost-- to a place where no one knows me. If not, then I want to be left alone in a room, with no one but myself. To think and cater to my deranged emotions. I am losing it, once again. I can be so pathetically miserable sometimes.

God. I am so Bipolar.

When It's Hidden

Searching for a hollow pit. To rot and disintegrate. To master apathy and be numb. To see and not to care. To just hear but not listen. A pit where games are really okay and better swans won't cut through fragile emotions.

I want to stranggle them. I want to make them go away. I want to feel good enough. I want what's rightfully mine to be mine and mine alone. If that's being selfish then God damn it, I AM A SELFISH BITCH.

There. So you see, I think it's best not to address the fact that yes, I am jealous. For the very obvious reason that I don't handle my emotions pretty well once they're out in the open. When I keep my emotions with me, it's safe and rational. It's better that way.

Okay, maybe it is pride. But whatever. I don't have to admit that it hurts too, right? or should I?