finally. i remembered my password again. i desperately need to blog. like the good old days, i need this to escape. to let out what i feel. to make sense of my irrationality. to make amends with my demons. these past few days, i feel so dead. it feels so hard to talk or laugh or listen or make sense or be normal. it feels so hard to function.
i went to school this morning for our practices. afterwards, i went out with two of my closest friends. we were all bummed and so we decided to forget about all the work we have to do and just let go. for the entire afternoon, we stopped thinking of all our responsibilities. WE DIDN'T CARE. i didn't care. we talked about life, our pasts, and our frustrations. then it dawned on me-- how messed up i am again. this is getting old. for real.
i smoked 12 sticks of cigarettes today, on lunchtime alone. don't ask me how much i smoked for the entire day. yesterday, i was damaging myself with vodka and beer. my last REAL complete meal was yesterday's lunch. i skipped breakfast and dinner today. i gave half my food away this lunch. i constantly want to puke. ugh. the thought of food alone makes me want to puke. sometimes i have to sleep just to stop the urge to vomit. i am losing weight, i think i am killing myself. and the worst part is, sometimes, i honestly hope i do. @@
i constantly wish i could be left alone. because i don't want to be asked questions. i don't want to be surrounded with people who don't understand.
there is nothing wrong with my life. i have a beautiful and loving family, i have the best set of friends, i have a stable and happy relationship and my grades are doing good.
but i feel so dead. i feel so unhappy and alone. i want to cry, but i can't. i want to break down but that's not gonna happen either. i have to balance my "perfect life". i have to maintain the person that people think i am. along with these issues, i have to study. because i have to do good. i have to be tough. God. I have to be tough. always.
it used to hurt me before, how i feel like no one understands me. but im fine with that now.
i will be okay. i am never vulnerable. i am never in need. i don't need anyone, but God. i handle my problems. i handle my issues.
I AM MY OWN HERO.
i went to school this morning for our practices. afterwards, i went out with two of my closest friends. we were all bummed and so we decided to forget about all the work we have to do and just let go. for the entire afternoon, we stopped thinking of all our responsibilities. WE DIDN'T CARE. i didn't care. we talked about life, our pasts, and our frustrations. then it dawned on me-- how messed up i am again. this is getting old. for real.
i smoked 12 sticks of cigarettes today, on lunchtime alone. don't ask me how much i smoked for the entire day. yesterday, i was damaging myself with vodka and beer. my last REAL complete meal was yesterday's lunch. i skipped breakfast and dinner today. i gave half my food away this lunch. i constantly want to puke. ugh. the thought of food alone makes me want to puke. sometimes i have to sleep just to stop the urge to vomit. i am losing weight, i think i am killing myself. and the worst part is, sometimes, i honestly hope i do. @@
i constantly wish i could be left alone. because i don't want to be asked questions. i don't want to be surrounded with people who don't understand.
there is nothing wrong with my life. i have a beautiful and loving family, i have the best set of friends, i have a stable and happy relationship and my grades are doing good.
but i feel so dead. i feel so unhappy and alone. i want to cry, but i can't. i want to break down but that's not gonna happen either. i have to balance my "perfect life". i have to maintain the person that people think i am. along with these issues, i have to study. because i have to do good. i have to be tough. God. I have to be tough. always.
it used to hurt me before, how i feel like no one understands me. but im fine with that now.
i will be okay. i am never vulnerable. i am never in need. i don't need anyone, but God. i handle my problems. i handle my issues.
I AM MY OWN HERO.
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